I want to be an author. I want to live comfortably off my writing. I want writing to be my career, without the need of doing a mismatch of jobs to get by. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I want to be a successful author.
It’s really scary saying to yourself, “Okay, this is what I want to do with my life, and I’m going give absolutely everything I have to try and make it happen.” I find it even scarier saying it to others. It makes it so real when you voice your ambitions to someone else. Someone else now knows what you want from life. They will know if you succeed, but more terrifyingly, will know if you fail.
This fear of failure can trap me sometimes. I’m so petrified of everyone seeing me as a loser that I can completely shutdown. I’ll stare at my laptop with a blank page and do absolutely nothing. Instead I’ll keep myself busy with binge watching tv-shows, or finding a friend who is free to have a coffee. Sometimes I’ll wrap myself up in a bundle of blankets and have a nap. This nap is usually too long to be classified as a nap, which magically manages to quadruple my guilt. Also, I often just read 300 pages of a book at a time. I’ll tell myself that I need to read a lot to be an author. I mean, yeah that’s true, but I’m never ever going to be an author if I don’t actually write a damn book.
I have high ambitions and expectations of myself, however I believe in myself enough to know that I can achieve what I set out to do. I just can’t let the fear of failure get in my way. I am writing this post to put myself out there. Anyone who wants to know, can now know what my goals and aspirations are. Everyone with google, who is willing to weed through the seemingly hundreds of thousands of Emma Mackenzie’s in the world, can know in time if I have given up and failed. I also don’t want to fail by simply not trying.
I always try to think of this JK Rowling quote:
“Some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all- in which case, you fail by default.”
I don’t want to be that person who fails by not attempting to get what they want out of their life. This post is a way of promising myself that I will fight to be an author. I’ve put myself out there and told the interwebs of what I want in life. I hope the anxiety of potentially telling people I have failed will kickstart that journey, until I’m purely writing because it’s what I love doing. That end result sounds like a healthier option, hey?
I have stories I want to tell. I want to share the worlds of my writing with others. I’m not going to let my fear of being a failure and an embarrassment stop myself from trying. How about coming on my journey with me?
